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‘It was a big mistake,’ he said. ‘I simply was much too young and too naïve to know what was what, and too infatuated with my wife to see her for how she really was. I found from the start that we didn’t have the right kind of rapport, but I thought that it was just my fault and that if only I tried harder I could thaw her.’ He sniffed. ‘Thaw her?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Oh, you know, I er… When we had been together for about three months we had sex for the first time. I thought it was wonderful, I even wrote a poem about it. Years later she told me she thought it had been horrible. We never really had any sex life to talk about… She told me I had to get her into the mood – but if I tried to touch her she’d tell me she wasn’t a whore, and if I looked at her undress she said I was a dirty old man. I thought she was beautiful, but she said she wasn’t. Then she wanted children – and we never got any. We went through the whole rigmarole of hospitals and examinations and attempts through. When it was felt that I was ready, I was sent back to Morocco as thefemale me, and I used an embassy staff member to help me mix with localwomen. I had a few issues, but with each mistake I improved. Ifmistakes were to be made, they needed to be made before I was fullyimmersed.This was a long term project, so we had the luxury of time, but my ownteam was becoming impatient. I think that there may have been somesuggestion that I was starting to enjoy my cover a little too much. Itmight be true that in becoming used to acting as a woman I was startingto enjoy some of the benefits, at least when I was "Stateside" or in thebig cities of Morocco. I was attractive enough to earn glances if notstares from men. While it initially unsettled me, I started to quiteenjoy the attention.Once we arrived in N'Goussa, Algeria it was very different. This was asmall village not far from the border with Libya and the town ofGadamis. If you look for these places you will see that there isnothing.
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