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So why am I getting down, like somethings missing, like there’s a hole in my life? It’s been really bugging me.’ She explained. ‘Have you considered… depression?’ he asked. ‘No. It is definitely not that. It’s more of a hole, like somethings missing. You know?’ She asked. He did in fact know. He had felt similar things when he was younger and even now, now that he was a priest. It was loneliness. Sometimes when he had a good girlfriend that he really liked it would go away, but then things would get serious and he’d do something stupid and they’d break up. Then it came back again. The loneliness. ‘What about a man? Do you have a boyfriend or something?’ He asked. She looked at him sharply. ‘What? No, I don’t want one. I haven’t met a guy I like enough yet.’ ‘Oh. Well maybe that’s it. Maybe you are just lonely and a little bit of love and romance are what you are missing, the hole in your life.’ He suggested. She shrugged ‘Maybe.’ They sat in silence for a while longer. Silent. Not all thoughts, feelings, and actions are pleasant. It’s ok. You need to ask yourself if you’re up to looking into these places. It’s ok if you need to skip something that hits to close to home. You’re not going to hurt my feelings. A lot of people have been hurt by suicide. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it with me. I’m NOT trying to get 500 emails begging me not to do it or 5 asshats giving advice on how to and telling me to Youtube it for their enjoyment.About two months into the initial phase of my illness is when I realized how fucked I truly was. At that point, they hadn’t found a reliable way for me to speak on a regular basis yet. I couldn’t work. Couldn’t pay enough attention to watch TV. Couldn’t write fiction. It was then I started thinking about suicide. You start asking questions. Just how bad am I willing to let it get before I say fuck it? What will living as a cripple cost my family vs living without me? Will my wife love me?I started drawing criteria..
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