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My mother, weeping at the kitchen sink, was holding a sheaf of medical papers in her hand. She stared at the papers as if they were a palpable enemy that she could rend, tear, or kill. Her tears were hard and angry – but soft, and almost helpless. Hindsight cleared up so much, and I now know the anguish she felt as the sterile, white forms pronounced her death sentence.For millennia I lingered in the valley of death. There were no shadows in that valley, only blackness, silence, and emptiness. My mind went away again. I drifted on the smokescreen of memory, and visited myself on places and people I'd not thought about for ... well, for the rest of my life.The first sounds I heard that were not from my manufactured memories, were the sounds made by cloth sliding over cloth. The sounds may have been present for a very long time, or just a second, but I separated the sounds from those of mind, and spirit, hoarding them, because it was so novel.In the presence of sound, I rushed to feel –. After so much waiting and thinking it would have been unimaginable torture to not be able to talk to her there and then.“Hi, honey,” came her simple welcome, the tone of her voice telling me just how tired she was. At least we were united in this.“Hey, baby. It’s wonderful to hear your voice. I’ve missed you so much all day.”“Me too, Pete, honey. I’m so sorry about what happened last night. You know I’d never have done anything like that deliberately, don’t you?”Realizing she was still riddled with guilt and this was the first thing on her mind made me feel a whole lot better and more reassured about things.“I know, honey. I’m okay with it. I know it was just a misunderstanding.”“Thanks, baby. It would kill me to think I’d hurt you in any way,” the emotion in her voice clear.Part of me wanted to put off the next part of the conversation until we were both less tired and until maybe a little more water had flowed under the bridge. But I’ve always hated putting off difficult.
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