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Last night I thought about it a lot after we went to bed. I have too much to live for to kill myself. I think I’ve latched onto it as a way of easing the pain, getting peace from everything that’s happened and push the problems away. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to harm myself, but I suppose it’s like a fat person looking at a buffet when they’re on a diet, trying to get themselves in shape. They know that it would be an emotional payoff, but the drawbacks afterwards just aren’t worth it, as much as they think it will make them feel good.”“That makes some sense, Matt. Now why don’t the two of you tell me what happened yesterday and we’ll go from there. I may have to split you up so that we can work with a little bit of privacy.”“Don’t split us up for my session,” I told her. “Tabby can know anything we talk about here.”She nodded. “There may be points that you feel different about, but if so, we’ll discuss it.”“She knows that I murdered her former lover,” I said starkly. “How. Exhausted, I slept dreamlessly.Blearily I shut off the alarm and sat up. Thankfully, the pain between my legs had vanished. I couldn't imagine what it would be like, making the twenty-minute journey to the pool on the seat of a mountain bike whilst feeling like my testicles were trying to withdraw into my body. I grabbed my swim bag and headed down the stairs to the garage.I settled into an even rhythm on the pedals as I felt the cool autumn pre-dawn air wash over me. The streetlights still shone under a light pale sky. Luckily the ride was pretty level, with only a small hill at the end near the campus. It was a pretty good warm-up and I usually got to the pool with enough time to change into my speedo, rinse off and be poolside for the five-thirty start.During the ride I replayed the events from the previous night in my head. In the end I think I'd only had about four and a half hours of sleep, but I was too buzzed by the memory of Nao's hand in mine, her head against my shoulder.
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