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There was a silence. He caressed my hair. I felt my obedience to him certain. I then spoke in repetition, ’Amo solo a Satanas.’’Will you fuck on the altar and desecrate it in the name of your master, puta?’I smiled and felt as if I was the star of a horror movie. “I will fuck on the altar and desecrate it in Satan’s name.’Take out your master’s cock and suck it, puta.I trembled in my whole body for what I was doing. The force of the sexual and spiritual taboos were so great that I could barely unzip his pants and hold in my hands his cock.I felt the demon move on my heart as I sucked his penis. I felt my condemnation. I felt completely committed to Mr. Cazares. I felt it so strong that I began to understand the seriousness of my situation. I heard in my head the voice of insanity say to me ’I would do anything for this man.’ It frightened me, but my inner dialog responded with a firm and rebellious, ’I do not care!’My heart toward God was as cold as the tile under my knees. I loved. " Me?" I tried to look innocent. "I was openly displaying my love for my friend and being cruelly rebuffed. I'd go back to the bar and drown my sorrows." In the beers the guys who felt sorry for you bought." Dave ratted me out. "John's never bought a drink in his life!" Oh so you always were a player!" Yann slapped my shoulder. "I knew it. I'm telling the others." So you two met in college. How did you meet West?" Sean asked."We used to attend a lot of the same conferences and workshops and I didn't know he was queer." West confessed. "If I'd known, I'd have stayed twenty feet away at all times."I hadn't actually known that. "So what changed your mind?"He shrugged. "Hell, I'd known you fifteen years by the time I found out. It didn't make any sense to start avoiding you then."I shrugged. It wasn't a real explanation, but it probably didn't really matter in the long run. People had said similar things about me being their 'first black friend'."So my dad's ok with you being out?" Paul.
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