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The last time I was short of cash, he had gotten extremely angry, and I worried that he was getting serious about the eviction. Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough money to move to another place, let alone find another shitty apartment. As rent-day approached, I scrambled for as many shifts and hours that I could get, but still came up a bit short. I fretted and worried about what I’d say when Paul came by for the rent, but I was helpless to fix the situation.Paul usually came by for the rent around dinner time on the first Thursday of each month. I sat nervously on the couch, watching TV and waiting for him to show up, when he knocked on the door, then let himself in with his pass key. He came into my small apartment and stood in front of me sitting on the couch. As usual, he was wearing loose sweatpants and a T-shirt. He glared at me, with his hand out, and said, “well….do you have the rent?”With a resigned sigh, I said, “Most of it,” and handed him all but $50 of that month’s. The real reason I disliked Patrick was the way he looked at me. It was like he could see straight through me. It sounds cliched, I know, but it’s how I felt. I always put up a brave front for my family, tried to be the rock the desperate saps needed because they were so dysfunctional. They were all too sensitive, too vulnerable. They worried over everything, so I took care of them. When I caught him looking at me, it was like he could see how small and insecure and vulnerable I was myself and I didn’t like it. I needed to be strong, and I so desperately needed people to think of me that way. And then he loved to tease me. ‘New boyfriend, Nina?’ he asked one Sunday night he and my sister, Chloe, decided to visit. Since he knew damn well it was a new boyfriend and I was trying to impress him by wearing my best red dress, I glared at him and gave him some murmured answer. ‘So what’s your name?’ he’d asked the poor guy, who fiddled with his silverware nervously under Patrick’s.
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