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I went into them knowing they would end and always saved myself from getting too badly hurt. The flip side, is that I never really let myself be myself. I always catered to their needs and desires. Well, not totally, but it was better to be passive and agreeable than argue. And most of the time, I didn't particularly care one way or another. That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always. It didn't help one iota - it just left me feeling like shit again."Want to come next door for a drink later?"I looked up in surprise at Mandy's question. "Why?" I asked curiously.She rolled her eyes and said, "Does there need to be a reason?" Er... no, I guess not. But I didn't think you were that friendly with Jake?" He's a nice guy! I bumped into him at the corner shop and he mentioned he was having a few friends round later. He asked if we would like to pop round and I said yes. God knows you need cheering up, even if I don't!"She was right. Despite my best efforts to appear happy, it sure as hell wasn't working. I seemed perpetually slumped in a quagmire of depression and even the guys at work had begun to notice."What's up with you?" Tony had asked in the kitchen the previous morning."Men," was my succinct response. I slammed the milk down on the worktop and proceeded to pour boiling water into all the mugs."Right..." Tony replied, hastily moving out of my way. "Well er... if.
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