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Why?"Because I can't control..."Have you tried to control the feelings? Tried to control the process? No, you panicked and went looking for someplace else to put them so you wouldn't have to deal with them. You are one chicken-shit sonofabitch ain't'cha?I was going from feeling nothing to being overwhelmed by feelings. Unpleasant feelings to be sure, but I'd dealt with worse in the past, hadn't I?Could anything be worse than feeling someone you love suffer and die?Could anything feel worse? I'd survived that ... how had I survived that?You survived it by making it a part of you, taking it in and accepting it for what it was. You didn't run from it or hide it. It made you one miserable fuckin' asshole to be around for a few years, but you survived. You can do the same thing with this batch. If you're willing to suffer. You are willing to suffer, aren't you martyr-boy?"I'm no martyr."Sure you are. You love the idea of carrying the weight and suffering of the entire world on your. A tech removes my body. It's against regulations to try to get up or speak. Medical and Security directives together are an unbeatable combination. They wheel me into a recovery room. What do I remember. Nothing. As always. A side effect of the space drive. Or is it Security again. Nobody knows. Asses on the line beyond the atmosphere and we don't remember a thing. Debriefing. A leftover name from the old days. No questions asked. No answers. I get up carefully. An overhead speaker activates. A carefully neutral voice. Deviation from usual procedure. Accident during field duty. Full details to follow. Major modifications necessary. A standard surgical procedure. Dates from the twentieth century. Modernized and improved. Hormone treatment by implant. Most organs functional within obvious genetic limits. A man with my training should be able to cope. Psychological assistance available. I stop listening. I know what he's talking about. I have no cock. I have no balls. I have big tits.
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