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I still don’t know what it was to my mother. I wanted to forgive myself for leaving them to each other, but I knew that in order to do it, I was going to have to let go of all the shit I’d been carrying around since I was a teenager. ‘He was a good man, Brenda. I know that the two of you had your differences, but he was a good man, and he always loved you, even after you left us. He was really hurt, but he still loved you.’ I hadn’t really caught up with her words until halfway through, and when she met my eyes, I must have looked confused. ‘You know, he missed you terribly, especially at the end.’ Her voice quavered, but her face remained expressionless. I took a deep breath. Was this going to be it, then? Were we going to have the same old conversation? I knew that she couldn’t face up to my father, she never had. I doubted that she would suddenly be tempted to confront the past, just because he was dead. ‘I’m sorry, Momma.’ ‘It’s really a shame that you never got to know him,. I just began to wonder why we bothered with the stuff we brought with us. I found out that Cynthia had no intention of using them. She just wanted close matches from her prop room. It was a revelation unto itself. There were rows of outfits ranging from full formal to strappy bits of nothing, which did not cover any of the usual places. Other places held restraints, floggers, whips, even a cat of nine razor tails. Of course there were boxes of cuffs, collars, gags, and harnesses, in every size and color.We were in there for an hour. We; Paul, Richard and I that is, worked up a sweat pulling down boxes, going through a thousand items and finding things that looked right and fit me. Then, when we were done, I could hold everything in one hand. Maybe she was doing it as a tease. Somehow I would not put it past her. But, by the time we came out of that room you could have sent any of us to the roof with a tap on the shoulder. There are worse things -- as I soon found out.As bad as being.
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