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It is the first time since finding out that my dad had been killed in a road accident that I have been able to let my emotions out. Most of the people have gone now from downstairs. What had started out as a somber occasion did, eventually, lighten up into a bit of a family and friends get-together, as these things inevitably do. I undo the black tie that is threatening to cut off the circulation to my head. Slowly, I undo the buttons of my white shirt and shrug it off, throwing it and the hideous tie onto the ever-growing pile of clothes already on the floor. My emotions are all over the place. I need to get out of these clothes. The clothes I've just worn to my dad’s funeral. But all I can do is sit. Shirtless and snivelling. I wipe my snotty nose on my cuff, and realise I'm not actually wearing a shirt. A snail-trail of snot clumps the fine, dark hairs on my forearm. There's a tentative knock on my door. Thinking it will be my mum, wondering where I've gotten to, I mumble an. I didn’t even have a dog. A dog would be nice. Conversations with paddle boarding friends or guys from the martial arts school were all focused on a single, superficial aspect of life. Phone calls and text messages with Amanda were a nice change but it’s not the same as waking up next to someone you love every morning. I knew that would be nice and that possibility had seemed very real with Elsa but then, poof, it was gone. Janice had invited me to Thanksgiving dinner and I’d turned her down, like I turned down every other invitation. Was she just being nice or was there something more? All of our previous conversations made it seem like she had an interest and that it was growing. For someone pretty in-tune with others, I wondered how I had missed that. Or maybe I hadn’t missed it but wasn’t ready to welcome it. I really didn’t want to blow it and miss an opportunity but I didn’t want the disappointment that a failed relationship would bring either. Knots. I was mad at myself for.
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