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‘Ya running to something or away?’ ‘What do you mean? Am I running?’ ‘Well, everything you have burns in a boat, you almost drown, and there’s no-one you want to call. Sounds like you’re running away from something or someone to me.’ ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’ ‘You know I could help you. If it’s legal we can deal with it.’ ‘I don’t really want to talk about it.’ She heard the anger in her voice, unintended but uncontrollable at the same time. ‘You know…’ John looked away from those eyes. They made him feel different than ever before. He paused, looked down at the pump, ‘… You know you’re awfully hard to help.’ ‘I’m really not a bitch, its just that… I just can’t talk about it…’ John looked at her and saw the tear fall from her cheek. ‘Its ok, are you wanted? Cops looking for you?’ She laughed through her tears, ‘no! nothing like that. Well maybe, I’m hiding from my husband.’ The disappointment at hearing she was married was almost a physical blow, his brow furrowed and. I denied my mixed feelings and conflicted attractions. As a guy I lovedgirls but as a woman I seemed to like both women and men at times. Myconfusion and unwillingness to admit to the fact that I usually foundmyself enjoying the attention of men at the bars kept me feeling afraidto explore. I knew in my heart that there had to be a point where I wouldhave to find the courage to explore whether I was like many of the othertransgender girls at the bar who were openly attracted to men.I did know that I enjoyed being escorted to late night dinners by some ofthe men who talked to me and bought me drinks. When I had several drinkswhat the girls called "the truth serum effect" had me feeling lessinhibited. Being escorted to places by these guys in the late night hoursmade me realize just how I seemed to enjoy the idea of "being taken careof" by men. I did truly appreciate a guy who treated me like a lady bybuying me drinks, taking me places, and by walking me to my car. Someguys made me feel.
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