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I felt my self-control strained when I saw Pearl during the day, the cold intellectual interested in nothing but learning and always dressed primly, remembering the sight of her naked body returning from the lake over the hill with Opal, the head cook. Opal looked so much like Mrs. Edwards they must be mother and daughter, and it also felt strange to compare their naked bodies, even though I’d only seen Bella’s close up and Opal’s at a distance. The copying work wasn’t taxing, I’d written a couple of orchestra pieces in Germany and focusing on the production of orchestra scores was familiar ground. I settled into a daily pattern of beginning just after breakfast, taken in my rooms, consulting with Sir Charles just before luncheon, working through the afternoon and taking a short stroll just before tea. After tea it was billiards and cigars in the study, although Tuesday night he dismissed me early on the pretext of exhaustion. I was curious, and found myself in the secret passage. As I looked out into the universe, I felt many things. I was amazed at just how bright the stars seemed to be away from the earth. I was amazed at exactly how small we are when compared to the almost infinite size of the universe. And I felt loneliness.I think it was then that I decided that this would be my last trip. The rocket man would settle down. I'd take a long vacation and see some of those tropical places that Beth and I had always dreamed of seeing when we were young. We were actually still young. We were just an older version of young. To me, Beth was still the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. And I had short changed her in our lives. I was always out exploring this or that, when all she ever wanted was to keep her feet planted on earth.It kind of reminded me of that old KISS song lyric. "Beth I hear you calling, but I can't come home right now."It was almost as if I had grown up while I looked out at the nothingness. Beth hated to watch me take off. The challenger.
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