I shall skip dinner. All I want is a drink: Something, anything to numb the pain. I walk down the stairs with a death grip on the gown and into the kitchen. Slowly, I open the refrigerator. The cool air feels so welcoming. I look around and fumble through the bottles: Whisky, Vodka, Bailey’s Irish Cream, and Wine. I like the idea of a smooth milkshake topped with Bailey’s. Yes. Perfect. I sip from the bottle and the liquid dances in my mouth filling me with insatiable desire. I pull out some French Vanilla ice cream, scoop it into the blender and pour the Bailey’s on top, smooth, sensual and calming. I take a spoon and taste the mixture. It’s so palatable, but it’s too thick for my liking and it’s not strong enough to make me sleep. I turn to the cabinet behind me, open it and fumble through more bottles. I pour a little more into the shake and taste the thinned mixture, perfect. I walk back up the stairs into my room and drink it quickly. I cannot wait. I sit on my bed looking into. Myrefusal to develop and express my sexuality for one. But I maintain thatis more to do with being raped than being formerly male. But as for therest, by and large, I feel indistinguishable from any other member of mygender.Isn't there something to be said for 'better the devil you know?'I suspect if I think too much about it, when the time came, I probablywill freeze up.I realise therefore, the key point to commit me to the process of'turning back' is the obvious simple truth.This life is shit now.I've got to get out of it.And I need to do whatever it takes to achieve that.Chapter 14Neither Beth nor Caitlin answered their phone when I rang them nextmorning. This was a disturbing trend of late, generally.It made me think of someone else who'd been suspiciously silent.3 days since my shambolic "A Current Affair" interview, and 2 days sinceI was fired and still no contact with Ally.In fact the last time I'd seen or spoken to her was exactly a week ago,before 'The Footy Show.'Was that.
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