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I can almost taste them now: a freshly chewed Chicken Madras (Tikka optional), mashed-up Pilau Rice, all finished off with Keema Naan and washed down with a gallon full of Skol. Beautiful. And failing that, may I recommend a Sainsbury’s ‘Good For Yourself’ Tikka Curry with Chilli Garlic Bread along with Aldi’s finest ‘£1.99 for four’ lagers. A combination like that is potent! So ignore the Prune Juice – please! (Oh, and the same applies to figs – dirty disgusting things that come down here and try and run the show. I don’t who they think they are, but the arrogant little buggers certainly aren’t welcome!) And as for Yoga!? What on earth makes people think that being bent into every position possible is good for their bowels? It’s bloody agony! Professors claim that if you’re suffering from trapped wind (a symptom I’ll talk about later) then you should try Yoga to shift it. People think it’s wonderful when belches and farts break free. Let me tell you, the wind produced is far from an. As we became a bit older our interests changed, suddenly girls andalcohol were the flavour of the day. We would meet up in a wooded areawith as local dialect would have it a "carry-oot" and drink and smokeourselves into oblivion. Each person pairing off and "lumbering" anyavailable female. For those not from these parts, this was local dialectfor kissing and feeling each other up, and basically trying to get yourpartner to go as far as you could. It was during one of those sessionsthat my life was about to take a surprising turn! One night in early summer we were all gathered around a small fire, thecigarettes being passed around and the alcohol flowing freely. Thetoughest guy of our group and self imposed leader was a guy calledGordon or Gordy for short. Anyway this night his particular girlfriendLesley was missing. "Where is the bitch" he growled as the drink began to take affect andhis mood started to become a bit irritated. "If she does not turn upsoon then one of those other.
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