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She felt like she had just awakened from a dream, walking where she wanted to, to get what she wanted to eat. She heard Constance giggle at the thought of holding both her siblings at once, and tried to concentrate on getting something to eat.While she ate, she couldn’t help but peek into the living room, where Constance was now sitting, with a baby in either arm.“All you can do is hold them, when you have both,” she said. “You can’t play with them!”“You’ll have plenty of time to play with them,” she heard Bobby say. “She’s going to need a lot of help.”“I know ... but I have to go to school!” moaned Constance.“I’ll stop in as often as I can,” said Bobby. “Is that okay?”Prudence wondered why he had asked Constance for permission. What did her daughter have to say about when Bobby came, or didn’t?She saw Constance look up at him and blush.“Of course,” she said.“I’m glad,” said Bobby.“Well you should be,” said Constance, with uncharacteristic firmness in her voice.None of this made. I looked up at the sky, but I didn't really see anything. I didn't want to see anything. I felt ... impotent.It wasn't a good feeling.Calm. Relax. Quiet. The words scorched through my brain, but they had no meaning. They were just sounds, noises I had once heard.Calm Relax. Quiet. The words held no power over me. There was no center for me to find because there was no me. I had finally lost it. I was no longer in charge of the asylum.CALM. RELAX. QUIET. I was hanging on those words, trying to imbue them with meaning. I needed them. I needed them as an anchor to a world that just plain wasn't making sense any longer. I needed them to find myself because I had lost me somewhere along the way.CALM! RELAX! QUIET! I let those sounds fill me. I let the meaning of those sounds suffuse me. Not the fucking meaning you can find in a dictionary; their meaning to ME. I let them anchor me in the storm of emotion going through me. I wrapped them around me, letting them calm me. The black rage that.
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