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We hope to marry in the spring. I am very sorry if this comes as a shock to you. I have the greatest affection and respect for you, and I cherish the memory of all we have been to each other and all you have taught me. However, your circumstances are such that we could not marry for several years, and I am not prepared to wait and wish my life away. Finally, I must beg you to destroy the letters I have sent you, as I have destroyed those you have sent me. Whatever anger and hurt you are feeling, I cannot believe that you would be so malicious as to use them against me. Forgive me, and believe that I remain Your affectionate friend, Jessica Stacey.Strangely, I felt no anger, disappointment or humiliation at this rejection. My one thought was that now Mabel could be mine, and I could be hers. Jessie, I found I could brush out of my thoughts as if she had never existed. My strongest feeling was that I could not tell Mabel about this letter until we were completely private that. Just before the next symbol hit me square in my imaginary gut, I knew I wanted to live. Not because my mother had succeeded, but because I had discovered something new. I wasn't conscious when I threw up into the pan my mother held. I had been fairly close to succeeding in my suicide. Perhaps another two minutes would have made all the difference. I was in the hospital for two days, one of which I slept entirely through. When I awoke, I found the world seemingly just like it had been. But I had found a reason to live. I wanted to understand the symbols I saw in my two dreams. I didn't start questioning my mother about the symbols until the ride home. To my utter dismay, she didn't know what I was talking about.The school insisted I go see a shrink before returning to school, and as things turned out, I wound up helping Dr. Cain (the 39 year old woman my mother picked) more than she helped me. At first it seemed like we were playing mind games. I wasn't about to tell her about my.
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