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And I want to ask the doctor if he'llgo ahead and do the sex change surgery while we're here." I think you're very brave for doing this," she said."Well I don't feel brave. I feel scared to death." I know I've been acting crazy and there's no reason for you to trustanything I say, but I think you're doing the right thing." You do? Honestly?"Mom nodded her head and kissed me on the cheek. "Yes I do," she said."I realize you're reasons for wanting to become a woman aren't exactlynoble or shall we say, "text book"."Because I'm really just a cross dresser with a smoking fetish?" That's right, but its also okay," she said as she sat up in bed and lita cigarette. "Want one?" Yeah, I guess I do," I said as I propped myself up against my pillow andlit a cigarette of my own."As I was saying, being a crossdresser and having a smoking fetish isn'tgoing to make you any less of a woman. Especially in your case becauseif anything, those things make you feel more womanly and I just can't. ) typically look at young African men like Ahmed with trepidation, and I think their feelings are justified, but not because I agree with their racist motivations for it, but because our long history of mistreatment and exploitation of Africa, and it's peoples, is so incredibly shameful. So, this particular form of trepidation arises (I think) out of an acknowledged, or unacknowledged, guilt for that! In fact, this is the single biggest motivator for both Alicia, and myself, for inviting Ahmed to get her pregnant---for, in doing so, our society, or world in general, will see that there are ways out of the poison and vitriol and secret fear that lies beneath all white supremacist (racist) rhetoric! To admit, openly, that whites have SO MUCH to atone for in regards to not just economic exploitation, but the guiding racist narrative that under girds so much of the way Africa has been treated is frightening for many, but I know that once I acknowledged this (and giving Alicia to Ahmed was.
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