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Having urges but restraining myself behind locked doors, under blankets and time. Time, which is against everyone. Time curses me and as I release and my womanhood becomes numb from arosal and friction after it's releasing my fluids. I'm in the bathroom and my little brother beats against the door to use it. I had been sitting on the seat with my first and only vibrator that day. I groaned, feeling unsatisfied, cold and a regret knowing my time was not spent wisely in there. Next time I felt the urge I was in the living room. For some reason I randomly came across the urge as I watched my little sister and brother play with friends in the yard. They had been riding bikes once I was laying over the arm of the sofa, my bare hips bucking mildly against one of the pillows as I tried to watch the outside. At the end of my release my sister began to head to the house. I like to get a few minutes to calm my nerves after, but by this time I couldn't have. She was heading inside that. I wouldn’t even know how to act.’ ‘Come on Julie. You’re a perfectly fine, intelligent, good looking woman.’ She stared at me. ‘I know you’ve been through a lot,’ I continued. ‘Before Bill got diagnosed you were a glorious, vivacious woman. Full of energy, funny, fun.’ She continued to stare at me, with no emotion to her face. ‘That woman is still inside you.’ ‘That was eight years ago.’ She said dismissively. ‘That’s exactly my point Julie,’ I said to her, ‘before Bill died, you had to deal with Bill, the kids, the house. I know it was stressful and you didn’t have a choice.’ I paused for a moment then added, ‘I suppose you could have simply run away from it all, but you didn’t Julie. You did the right thing. What a loving wife and what a loving parent would do. I have a lot of respect for how you dealt with it. And I know Cora feels the same way too.’ Why did I bring her up? Julie continued to stare at me blankly. I didn’t know if I was being too harsh, or too intrusive or just.
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