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I sat there pulling my dress down over my knees, closing my sweater tighter, and trying not to make eye contact as they would come in and out among the customers. Each time they passed they would give me this big grin. Nothing could be more embarrassing.A big shadow came over me. The big black supervisor was standing right in front of me. I was in such a daze I had not seen him walking up. I glanced up. He was even bigger and blacker than I remembered. I could not look at his face.He spoke with control,“Hello. My guard told me you want to see me?”“Yes, please.”I mumbled without looking up.“Come in here.”He turned unlocked the door and I followed him into the security office. He shut the door, bolted it and pointed to the chair where I had sat over two months ago. I elected to stand. He went over to stand at the desk. He was so formal. He had not even acknowledged he knew me.I could say nothing for a moment. I just stood there looking at the wall behind him.He finally felt uneasy. But at the time, I was convinced that I had it figured out, even if I had no clue how to move past it. I was constantly pursuing the wrong woman. Emotionally unavailable women, self destructive women, women who I knew would be bad for me, or women who tempted me away from happy, productive relationships into tumultuous sexual affairs that were lustful, self-serving, and-- outside of the privacy of the bedroom-- almost totally meaningless. But that wasn't all. I also had a tendency to pursue women who I could likewise tempt and seduce into lustful, ill advised affairs that went nowhere. I had fallen for women who had destroyed me, but I had in my own turn destroyed other women. Some had just barely been eighteen, just starting out in life. Now that I was alone once again, after having caused a great deal of hurt in someone else because of my own selfish desire to satiate my male urges, I felt appropriately guilty. The fact that I didn't have a job to go to, or any friends to interact.
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