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I could have complete control over any situation.A boyfriend would feel entitled to make demands on my time, on my attention, to have some say in the relationship. What did I need that for when I could get everything I wanted at no cost?Maybe this wasn't love and forever after; maybe it was just infatuation. Perhaps I had just been caught up in the moment. It was a most excellent moment to be sure, but a moment nonetheless.I loved being with Jeff, but I could do that whenever I wanted without having to make any kind of commitment.Well, maybe I couldn't. I would ask him for a specific time and he wasn't always available. That had never happened to me before. Was this the flip side of guys wanting a girl because she made herself unavailable?No way. Jeff was too open and honest to play a game like that. He was also too inexperienced according to Sunny. He probably didn't even know there was such a game.I wasn't sure how I felt about him because I was in uncharted territory. I wanted to. I recuperated. I did something called therapy. I got a, well, what they called a prosthesis. I came home crying and hurting. Cindy took me to her bed and loved me. It was bittersweet. Her tender touches and the lingering, sometimes phantom pain were a strange combination. She grounded me and without her I would have been floating. Cindy wanted to go to school. I had money from the army. I bought a ten-year-old truck. I taught her to drive – I had learned in the army. They gave her a test and said she could go to school. One day in her second year she came home nervous and worried. ‘Lee, don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me – I would die.’ In the army I had learned to wait and see. Some days that’s all we did, was wait. ‘Cindy, I could never hate you. I love you but you know you are not mine.’ ‘Lee, there is a boy that wants me to go on a date. I swear that he is nice.’ I felt sad but I understood. I had learned a lot in the army and killing people and almost being killed changed me..
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