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Well, I don't know... gossiping, I guess." Yeah, I understand," she replied. "But this was something that does concern... you. Well... us." Okay," he said, keeping his voice neutral."Dave said that he and Collette... well, they haven't been together since... since Dave started dating Sammy." Oh," said Morton, mildly surprised."And he said that he knew his sister would never... would never, you know, go out with you, or, with us, while you're dating Patty." Well, that's okay," he replied, sounding philosophical. "I wouldn't want to be with another girl either, while I'm with Patty... even a girl as interesting as Collette."He felt her stiffen under his arm, and quickly realized his mistake. But before he could speak, Leticia replied to him reproachfully."Morton, you're already with another girl. Me." Well... yes. But you being with me isn't a threat to my relationship with Patty. We love each other, sure. But it's different. We aren't going to get married." Sure. But, Morton... Sammy. “Pun acknowledged, but not intended–” “Bullshit. Pun totally intended,” I shot back. “But–” “Butt–” “Sheila, don’t be a dumbass. I’m saying–” “Why not ‘don’t be an asshole’?” “Oh ha-ha-ha,” he said, tiring of me. “Why not, we have a theme going here!” I added poutily. “Honey, I would want you to experience how great it can be–” “Fucking in the ass?” I cued. “Yes darling, how great getting fucked in the ass can be. But you need a knowledgeable partner for that. You need to be prepared, mentally, physically–” “Oh Jesus, spare me Matthew. You just want to make sodomy another piece of arcana that gay boys can have a monopoly on. You taught me how to shop American Apparel,” I said appreciatively. “You could teach me how to do anal.” He was quiet for a moment or two, then said, “Hey look, I mean, what do I look like here?” Meaning, who knows what? “Are you seriously telling me,” I went on, “that here I am, your bestest Fag Hag and Straight Girl In Need of Guidance, and I’m inviting you to.
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